There isn't a day where I don’t miss my ex. There isn't a day or a moment where I think about him. There isn't a day that goes by where the darkness isn't a crushing weight on my chest, A day where the cigarettes keep me numb enough to crawl from the bed I made.
Thats right, I made.
Have you ever partied? Have you ever drank a lot? All the time? Have you ever done things, said things, been a person that pushed those around you away, created walls, was selfish?
Have you ever been self destructive? Mostly because you think you don’r deserve the things around you?
Hi. I’m Adam and I'm a recovering self destructive person who lost everything I ever had. Loved or even cared about.
For six months after the break up I laid in my own agonizing darkness, my own self loathing. No pity here, not for those who did it to them selves.
See I could have cheated, I could have hit him. I could have stolen, I could have developed a debilitating drug addiction.
Instead I self destructed on a mixture of alcohol and my own personal demons and insecurities.
After we broke up I stopped seeing my friends, I threw my self into a bunch of horrific dates, bad tv shows, bottle son wine and packs of cigarettes, all to numb the emotional, debilitating darkness that haunted me like shackles to a poor slave’s ankles.
Only around christmas did I start seeing someone new. The pain is still their, hell I don't even leave my house. I still have my cigarettes and my wine. But I am better then I once was and heres what I did to get through the majority of the darkness
Stop Blaming Your Self
This is a process. You know you fucked up. You know you made your bed. You know he’s moved on. You know that theres nothing left for you to do but pick up your own pieces.
But while you're doing that, stop blaming your self. Learn. Grow. Accept that choices and decisions that you made. Mistakes were made. Now its time to grow the fuck up and deal with the consequences and move on.
Stop shutting people out
People are the only thing that helps to get through the darkness. My friend and I would sit on Skype. We would drink tequila and laugh about the silly things. We would get wasted. We would have fun.
It was impossible for me to go any where without falling down and becoming a ball of tears and disgusting slobbering mess of emotions whipping out of the tear ducks of a broken boy.
But we would find the light in the darkest moment sand find a way to have fun regardless. Friends like that are hard to come by.
So don’t shut people out.
Open Your Eyes.
I really am a horrible person. Like lets get real. Theres no need to sugar coat it. My friends wife said it best: “Adam you're a man child”. Truth. Complete truth.
You really need to open your eyes to the type of person you are. I was a bitter, self hating, world hating, angry, angsty person with rage and every one and everything had to know it.
But at the end of the day and even all through it, I opened my eyes and realized that I am a horrible person. My ex left me because I was a selfish, self destructive, angry, miserable and depressing person.
Change needed to happen. So open your eyes if you find your self in a similar situation. And Open wide, take in all that light, take in all the worlds honesty. It will hurt, it will sting, you will want to bleed, to die. To shut it out.
Don’t Bitch To People About Your Problems
Seriously, no one wants to hear it. We all have our own problems to deal with. Yet it’s ok to talk to someone say I feel this way and I need some advice.
Don’t ignore the advice!
Not when you ask for it.
People have a lot on there plates and when all you do is bitch and complain and piss and moan no one wants to hear it and you'll find your self more alone then you did before.
But also, don't bottle it up, don’t hide it. I did that. I did that really well for 3-4 months while working. I was happy and chipper at the office, but miserable and lonely at home and hated weekends.
Now I work from home. Deal with your problems. Reflect. Form questions that are not “my life sucks what do I do” instead, try: “This aspect of my life isn't what I want ti to be, based on how well you know me what are your thoughts?” or something similar.
Its the hardest thing to do. When my ex left me, it felt like someone died. I even use to say: “If this is what someone dying feels like, no one die!”
Fuck. Every one dies. Every one leaves. Get over it. Morn, Grief, Scream, Cry, Get angry; however don’t let it consume you. Don't let it run your life. If you do you'll want to die. You'll want to kill your self.
Been there, almost tried that.
At the end of the day the only thing you can do is try. Try your hardest. Try to survive. Fight to win. Fight to over come. Fight to be free of the darkness.
We all have our demons. We all have our darkness. We all made bad decisions last year.
2016 is a year of change, a year of growth, a year of reflection. 2016 isn't the last 6 months of 2015.
It's a god damn new beginning. So my resolution: Stop making bad decisions and start making good ones.