Being me is hard. Being me is painful. I created a video that will be up this Wednesday (25th) which is me, basically, getting ready (putting my fabulous face on) and talking about how there isn’t some one for every one. This is true.
This isn’t some one for every one, and I wish people would stop telling me there is. Loneliness is the most painful experience in the world and I hope to god that you, the person reading this – never feels the pain that I feel every day of my life.
People tell you: Oh get over it, you’re just being a baby. You need to get out there and meet people.
When you ask them how, they have no answer for you. They say “I don’t know how, you just do.” But you don’t. You really don’t. You suffer in silence, you learn to stop telling people how you feel because they criticize you and make you feel like shit.
People make you feel like this pain you feel is your fault, like you did this to your self. In some respects, I did do this to my self, lets get real. I am only single because of my own actions and I pray to God every day for his forgiveness and acceptance, both Gods and the boy I lost. One has forgiven men, and it hasn’t been God.
I tried to settle for a boy. I did. He cheated on me, lied to me and changed his story multiple times. Every one and their mothers dog told me to leave him and I forgave him again and again and again because I told my self I was doing things right this time.
I deserve this pain and the loneliness, I believe in my heart of hearts that there really isn’t some one for every one, the lucky ones get love, the unlucky, if they don’t put a bullet in their head, and trust me I’ve tried, die of a broken heart some where down the road.
Welcome to the jungle baby, heart ache will kill you, but God can save you.
Least that’s what I use to tell my self. I don’t know if he stopped caring or I lost faith before I could truly find it. But I feel like his presence left me, especially when I was finding him. I tried to find religion to see what I have become, a monster.
What I found was a mirror. And the tears that soak my pillows at night are ones of honesty and self reflection.
Heart ache will kill you, but God can save you.
Here’s hoping he can hear me this time, because I am praying harder then I have ever prayed before. Maybe it was for the wrong thing. Love.