Darkness. I lives inside of each of us, haunting us and controlling our thoughts, motives, emotions and thought processes. It hides with in the shadowy depths of the words we use to slash at the light when we feel the anger brought on by others.
Darkness, It haunts me and it controls me. It almost killed me.
Death is not something I fear, I fear the absence of death. I fear the emotional emptiness that breathes its lifeless foul poison into my breathing and narcissistic body that walks across the empty and lifeless planet. One of my own design.
Death could have came for me, taking me and holding me in its embrace. Holding my heart it in its skeletal hands, clutching the veins that pump blood and eating away at the identity I worked so hard and meticulously crafted.
Death could have had me, but I prayed. I prayed to god. “If I shall not wake” I said as I fell into a sleep, one that I thought would last for ever, allowing me to contemplate the mistakes, the tragedies and the consequences of my harsh and hollow words as well as the self destructive nature of my actions. “if I shall not wake, my soul is yours to take.”
I did wake. I wake every day, while the emptiness of depression haunts me and the weight of a past love weighs heavily on my broken mind, I wake. I wake from the shadows of my own despair and I seek forgiveness in the light of all that is pure. A new day.
Each day, each new day that has sun that falls upon my face and warms my cold and frigid mind is a day that I can look forward too. A day that I can accept. A day that I use to live through. My mother is oblivious to the pain that creeps deep inside my broken mind. My friends are few and far between, but the shadows slowly dissipate in the sun, a sun that lights the way to the end of this pain and darkness, one of my own making.
I thank god. I found some solace in his loving embrace. I found some kind of answer in the forgiveness he fills me with. I found some kind of answer to the endless guilt and emotional turmoil that is my life decisions.
While I laid in the foundation and the sinking sands of my own self pity and I looked for the light in what seemed like an endless darkness. A voice whispered to me. A voice guided me and the light of a new day was what allowed me to go on. On and on I go. I walk from the valley of death and I walk into the valley of forgiveness.
I thank God, I thank the lord for the light he gave me. I still seek the answers to my own past in the shadows of that never ending darkness and I admit I toil with the idea of playing with fire to experience some semblance of human emotion, but the numbness of ones mind keeps me at ease for the time being. Allowing me to reflect.
Reflect is what I shall do.